The other side of the coin

Before my mother reads my previous/inaugural blog post, I'd better quickly follow with something a bit more kid-friendly. And Mom, if you are reading this, let me confirm: yes, I love the girls, and no, I'm not thinking of running away. Yet.

OK, so the flip side of the coin. (Martin, this bit is for you, because I know I scared you with the last franker-than-frank post). Children are messy, time-consuming, physically and emotionally draining, expensive, demanding, boogery and poopy and completely unpredictable, and (wait for it, Marty, this does turn around)... they are pretty darn amazing. If there is a single reason to have a child, it's this: They will teach you you things about yourself that you would never have learned otherwise, and you will be a better person for knowing. After all, isn't that why we're put on this planet -- to learn and grow?

Case in point: kids are 100% unsullied by marketing, peer pressure and all of the other influences that deliver conflicting messages to us about ourselves. Those things do come into play alarmingly early, but for my girls who are just 2, the only brainwashing they're getting is from Dora and Toopy, both of whom are always telling them how fantastic they are. So. No harm there (probably). They are happy little animals, running around without a care in the world, completely oblivious to what people think of them. They ask for nothing but love and affection and expect it will be given. Not for a moment do they worry that someone will see them as unlovable or unworthy of attention.

Fast forward to adulthood. Such a different scenario. Don't we all worry that people don't like us, or that we're ultimately unlovable, or somehow unworthy? Fundamentally, aren't we all seeking love and acceptance? I would argue that we are. So where along the line does that change?

A couple of years ago a friend recommended Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now" so I read it, even though I had a mental half-smile when I picked it up ("Oh yeah, another self-help book that's going to  make me look in the mirror and tell myself how special I am and that I need to love myself before others can love me, etc., etc.). I have to admit, there were parts that made me roll my eyes (if any of my female friends have read it, I'm referring particularly to the chapters where he encourages women to embrace their feminine-ness, including learning to love your monthly cycle.... ermmmm, no.....). But there were parts that made me stop, close the book and think, "Hunh. Wow. He's right."

One part in particular was about the difference between our intrinsic selves and the selves we create through our interactions with people and the experiences that we go through. Your intrinsic self is different than Freud's "id" which is essentially the seat of your basic instincts. It's also different from the ego, which is the organized part of the personality structure. I'm probably doing Tolle an injustice by simplifying it this way, but I would define the intrinsic self as the soul in its most basic, eternal sense. It's who you are at the very core, and it doesn't change, regardless of what happens in your life. Your external self will eventually form and overlay your intrinsic self, creating a duality that can sometimes drive you crazy (which is why, when we talk to ourselves in our head, it's our "created" self that is trying to convince our intrinsic self, or vice versa, so we feel like it's a me vs. you scenario).

What has this got to do with kids and what they teach us? Kids are as close to their intrinsic selves as we get. Never again in your life will you be so close to this state, unless perhaps you become a Nepalese monk and dedicate your existence, perched on a mountaintop, to meditation and spiritual enlightenment. For the other 99.9% of the population, we can only learn and improve by doing what we can, each day and amid our many, many responsibilities as adults in a tech-powered society. Kids remind us that:

• We are intrinsically good and deserve love
• We are intrinsically special and unique, and no one else is more special than me (just as special, yes, but not more)
• If you don't like what I'm saying or doing, move over... I ain't got time for you -- life is too fun to sit still 

Of course, respect and manners come into play (I can't hit a colleague over the head with my book if they're not agreeing with my recommendation, like my kids would do without thinking twice), but if I listened more often to my intrinsic self, and less to my created self, what kind of person would I be?

Happier. No doubt.